Six Months

It’s been six months since you died. How can that be? How can the world keep moving forward when mine stopped on June 1st? You are really gone and I’m alone. I’m confused, hurt, sad, lonely and a little angry. I know it’s all part of the grief process but it’s so overwhelming. I don’t want to be angry at you. I know you didn’t choose to leave me. But it’s what I’m feeling and I have to acknowledge the feelings and let them run their course. But I don’t have to like it.

I went to the Canadian Rockies on the women’s photography retreat that I planned before you died. You were excited that I was going and encouraged me to go, so I went. And honestly it was what I needed. I needed a break from the everyday routine and to be in a place where I wasn’t surrounded with memories of you. I’ll never forget you. You are with me everyday but sometimes I need to be in a place that doesn’t hold memories of “us”. Does that make sense? Maybe some would see it as selfish but it’s self preservation for me. We were together since high school, lived in the same town all our lives so it’s impossible to go anywhere without a memory of you. Sometimes I need a break from that or I’d fall apart. Being in nature is something we both loved and enjoyed. I can lose myself in nature, as you could, so it’s another way to honor you and save myself. God provided so much beauty for us to enjoy and appreciate!

We had a nice Thanksgiving with all the family. The kids came here for a few days and it was crazy with 5 grandchildren and 4 dogs but I loved every minute. We had dinner with your mom and brothers as we’ve always done. It was sad without you there but the grandchildren gave me joy.

We said goodbye to your garden this week. It was another step in the healing process. I know you understand as you wouldn’t want us to work harder to maintain the property. It’ll be easier without all the infrastructure you built but it was still sad to see it go. I didn’t want to see it overgrown and covered in weeds, that would be worse than tearing it down. You got the last laugh and we all know you were chuckling as it was dismantled. Did you really need to use all those screws to secure the boards and 4 bags of concrete on each post?? Your brothers and son worked all day to get it done. We saved the first water tower you built. I couldn’t bear to see it destroyed so it still stands.

I’m trying to decorate for Christmas today but it’s hard. You should be watching football and fussing when I ask you to bring up another box from the basement 🤪. But I need the decorations as we both loved them. I need to focus on the Reason for the Season, the birth of Jesus Christ. He is getting me through the hardest time of my life. He is my Rock and my Savior. I couldn’t walk this road without Him.

I love you babe. Forever and always. Until we meet again, I love you ❤️

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**