Your memory & presence is as bright as the rising sun over Lake Louise. But I fear the day it will start to fade as time passes and conditions change as they do in nature and life. I sit here by the Christmas tree with a fire burning trying to decide what to say. There’s a football game on the tv as background noise. I don’t know who’s playing and don’t really care. But the sound of the game reminds me of you. It still doesn’t seem real that you’re gone. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to be without you this Christmas. And not just this Christmas, but ever. I knew eventually one of us would deal with the other’s passing but not this soon! We should have had more time. I wasn’t ready…..but who ever is?
But God’s timing is not the same as ours. I’m grateful for the 40+ years we had together. The beautiful family we created and all the memories. So many memories, good times and bad. Marriage is hard and ours wasn’t perfect. But we loved each other “till death do us part”. Sometimes I stand and watch the digital picture frame as the memories roll past. Some are painful but most make me smile or laugh. We had an amazing time together and I’d do it all over again…..except the last part.
You were gone before I could tell you goodbye. I didn’t get to kiss you one last time and tell you I love you. It all happened so fast. There’s so much I want to say to you. I can’t remember our last words to each other. All this swims in my head and I’m so sad and lonely. The grief process is a vicious beast. It ebbs and flows like the tide. One day I’m floating along oblivious to time or space and the next I’m rolled by a waved and tossed violently on shore, unsure where I am.
This Christmas will be so hard without you here. We’ll get through it as a family and remember you but it’ll never be the same again. I love you ❤️
“For unto us a Child is born
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end,
Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, to order it and establish it with judgment and justice from that time forward, even forever. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.” Isaiah 9:6-7
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
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