I found a photo of our first Christmas together as a married couple. We were barely 20 years old and it seems like so long ago. I don’t remember anything about the day but I can look at this photo and see our love. We were living in an apartment but this photo was taken at my parent’s home. We look mischievous, as if we had a secret. But I think it was just the newlywed stage, when everything was young and fresh!
I went to the dump today….back to current events and the state of my life. The tailgate broke on your truck. OK, it was already broken and you had it rigged to close with a boot…..typical redneck style 🤪 I got to the dump fully loaded and the tailgate wouldn’t open. Imagine my surprise & frustration. The truck was loaded and I had no way to get the garbage out. I said a prayer. Probably the most unusual prayer I’ve ever said but I managed to get the tailgate open and the trash emptied. The tailgate stayed closed on the drive home but I’ll have to get someone to check it. Just another bump in the road but it’s frustrating. You would have handled this and now I have to ask someone to help me. Sometimes I feel so needy!
I also started Christmas baking today. A better topic than a dump run! I missed you helping me with the fudge, checking the cookies to be sure they were done and licking the bowl clean of batter before I washed it. The memories this Christmas are hard. Each day I think of something I had forgotten, or not forgotten but just pushed back in my memories. I haven’t started wrapping gifts yet. That was your favorite part and I dislike it. Maybe I’ll just use gift bags this year because I’m not sure I can manage the wrapping without a total meltdown.
Our last Christmas together. We made a beautiful family and I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything……except maybe the last part, where you left me too soon.
I struggle each day to find a reason to live without you. But as much as I love you, I also know you aren’t the reason I’m here. I am God’s creation and He holds my life in His hands. An excerpt from the Christmas Devotional they gave us at church: “It is in living for his glory that we are rescued from our bondage to our own glory, a glory that will never satisfy our hearts.”
I pray daily that God will help me listen to the right voices. Give me wisdom to shut out the voices of the world, the flesh and the devil and to let in the voice of the Holy Spirit. Shape my goals & desires to match His.
Until we are reunited in heaven know that I miss you and love you đź’”
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
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