I stood beside the highway overlooking the Vermilion Lakes in Banff NP Canada a few weeks ago as the sunrise illuminated the sky with fire. I was in awe of the beauty that God was painting for those who rose early enough to watch. I was really in Canada!
As I soaked in my surroundings and fumbled a little with my gloved hands to work the camera controls a pair of birds landed in a tree not far from me. I imagined they were mates and my thoughts immediately went to my husband. Even here, thousands of miles away from home I feel the emptiness of his loss.
I’m dreading the upcoming holiday season without my spouse, my love. I don’t want to be strong for my family. I’m broken, I’m hurting and I’m alone. It’s a terrible feeling and I’m not sure what to do. I want to be with family, I love my children & grandchildren, Hank’s mom & brothers and their families. I want to have the special time with them but it’s so hard without Hank by my side. I know it’s hard for them too and we need to be together to share the pain and the new memories we’ll make. But I’m weary and can’t offer much comfort to others when I can’t find comfort for myself.
As the sun rose a little higher I noticed a lone figure on the dock. That’s me, standing all alone facing yet another day by myself. Every where I turn there are memories that threatened to pull me under. We lived our entire life in this area. Born and raised, met in school, fell in love, married, built our home, raised our children, worked, lived and loved. The memories aren’t just at home but everywhere; at the grocery store, driving down the road, at church. I can’t go anywhere without a memory of time we spent together. It’s so overwhelming. I can’t escape the pain. And right now it’s all pain and a little anger if I’m honest. One day it might change but I’m not there yet.
As sunrise ended so did the color. It’s still beautiful but cold, like my life now. Devoid of color and warmth, so dreary and depressing. Don’t ask me if I’m ok…..I appreciate the concern but the answer is NO! I need space, friends, family and I’m not sure in what order. I don’t know what I need. I’m trying my best to survive this journey and not be unkind or rude but I’m also learning to say “no”. I’ve always been a people pleaser but I don’t have that capacity right now. I’m just trying to survive each day.
“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:9-10
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
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