The water dances and shines as it flows swiftly over the rocks on it’s journey to the sea. I stand on the edge knowing I need to cross but unsure if I can make it. The water is frigid, the rocks create an uneven and treacherous path. I must cross but I’m afraid. The water will rush against me with it’s swift current and the rocks won’t be steady beneath me, threatening to pull me under like the memories of our life together. Sometimes I want to give up and let go, be tossed and tumbled and pulled under.
I just returned home from an amazing trip to the Canadian Rockies with @womencapturemagic hosted by @kristenryanphotography. I needed this trip more than I realized. I needed a break from my current life, without my husband of 40 years. It was wonderful to be with a group of women photographers that share the same passion as I do. To be in nature and soak in the beauty God gave us. I enjoyed every moment. The discussions in the car, at meals, the laughter, locking ourselves out of our room, piling on layers of clothes against the cold, sharing photography techniques and just being together as women. Selfishly I didn’t share with many that my husband passed away 5 months ago. I needed a few days to breathe and put that aside, just for now. I found joy and healing in photography. I was able to distance myself enough to take a step toward healing.
On the flight home Saturday the tears started and wouldn’t stop. This trip was different. I was returning to an empty home full of memories with my husband but knowing he wouldn’t be there to greet me. I haven’t stopped crying since. I needed this trip and I’m so grateful that I went but it’s even harder now that I’m home. I’m really alone. He’s really gone and the memories are more painful to deal with. It hurts more now than it did the day he died. The numbness has worn off and this new season of life is setting in.
I know that God is with me and will never leave my side, but it still hurts. The pain takes my breath away. I must take that step into the cold swift current and begin my journey toward the mountain. It won’t be easy but Jesus is walking with me. I’ll stumble and fall, the water will pull me under as the memories overwhelm me. But I will hold tight to Jesus’ hand and keep walking toward the mountain. He will not fail me. And then I’ll cross it, one step at a time. Maybe the pain will be less on the other side of the mountain. Maybe I’ll be able to smile at the memories and not cry. Maybe I won’t be angry that you left me. Maybe I’ll feel like living and not giving up. Maybe.
I’ll love you babe until my last breath but this journey is so hard without you.
“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” Psalm 143:8
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
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