Today has been really hard for whatever reason. I’m trying to give myself grace but it’s still a struggle. A photographer friend shared a reel with me a month or so ago that I haven’t been able to get out of my head. I haven’t figured out how to share that reel (challenged with technology) but here’s the transcript:
“My friend told me something beautiful about grief that I will never forget. They said that grief is like a stone and you carry it in your pocket. And you will always notice it and you will feel it. You will know it is there. But as time goes on, you get stronger. As so as you get stronger, it is not that the stone goes away, it’s just that it gets lighter. And it gets lighter to carry. But it does not mean that it is going away. You didn’t move on. You didn’t get over it. It doesn’t disappear. It does not get smaller. It stays the same. You just get stronger so the stone gets lighter.
I really appreciated that idea around grief because it sat true with me. I liked that it didn’t have to go away. I didn’t have to let go of it. I didn’t have to forget about it, and that it would always be there. But just as I grow and I strengthen, and as I become more resilient, it becomes lighter and does not weigh on me in the same way as the heavy feeling of grief can in the beginning.” Jay Shetty (google his name & grief like a stone to find videos)
Right now, for me, the grief is like a boulder. I can’t carry it alone. It breaks me down and weighs so heavy. I have no energy to do even the smallest of things some days. Today was one of those days. I fed the dog & cat, walked the dog and that was about it. I accomplished nothing. I need to the cut grass, do laundry, clean the house, go to the dump, fill up the low tire on the 4-wheeler. But I just don’t care.
I miss my camera but not enough yet to pick it up. One day I think it will provide healing for me but I’m not ready for that day yet. I took a few photos of the wildflowers in our garden with my iPhone today and I feel like they look; withered, worn and overtaken by weeds.
I sit on the porch and stare out at nothing. I watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. When will they migrate? Can I go with them? Someplace new with no expectations, no one that knows me and no memories to trigger the tears. I was supposed to go to a friend’s birthday celebration today. I planned to but didn’t have the energy to take a shower and most importantly……..I didn’t want to socialize. Maybe it would have been good for me but I just couldn’t. It’s so hard to smile and enjoy life when my heart is broken.
One day the boulder that I carry will become small stones. Memories and love that I can carry without the burden of this intense pain. One day. Until then, I’ll keep walking this road and leaning on Jesus to carry me when I can’t walk it by myself. And when that day arrives, I’ll still walk with Jesus but not have to be carried. Until then, I’m grateful for my Saviour and His ever lasting mercy and grace ❤️
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
I wish I had words that make it instantly better. It will be 17 years for me since loosing Willie Milton. Most days it is just a small stone that just rattles around in my pocket just enough to remind me it is there. Somedays without warning it is like being crushed like a bolder. But I have watched you and Hank would be so proud of you! You are strong and brave and you are wrapped in the prayers by friends who love you!
Thank you for sharing your words. I know it gives you comfort to talk about this journey. We pray for you as you walk your path and ask for God’s continued guidance. Love you!
Sharon, I think about you often and I wonder if we feel the same way? I know that feeling of not having the energy to get up and move to do anything.Marks brother came to visit for the first time since Mark’s funeral and I actually had to cook a meal. I’ve only cooked two meals since he died. I eat whatever is easy to fix because I don’t have the energy to do anything. Some days the pain of loosing him is so bad I set here in a heap and cry all day. I know in my heart he is no longer suffering and is finally at peace and with Jesus. I would not wish him back to the suffering he had to go through. He had a massive heart attack in 2022 and could barely function anymore. He only had 30% function plus he went on kidney dialysis in 2021 due to his severe diabetes. The loneliness is so real and not having him to care for everyday has just thrown me into a life I just don’t know how to navigate. You are in my prayers daily. I know the struggle and it is so very real!