The day looms before me like a dark tunnel with no light. It’s empty, I’m alone. It would be so easy to stay in bed all day but the dog needs food and to be let outside. I need to feed the barn cat and check on the watermelons. Pool duty, as that’s all it is these days. I rarely use it anymore unless someone visits. Maybe that will change.
I experienced my first taste of depression seven years ago when both my parent’s died within seven months of each other. That was nothing compared to what I feel now. Some days it’s like a wet blanket smothering me, or a wave crashing down and rolling me over and over.
I went to Tennessee & Georgia last week to visit family. The drive down was terrible. All alone in the car with only my thoughts. Then four wonderful days of family, laughter, tears, card games and kayaking. My head and heart needed the change of scenery, my family and the long talks filled with laughter & tears. Now I’m home and it’s just me again. I remember during our marriage when we had a difficult season wishing for some alone time. Be careful what you wish for…..now I have more alone time than I can handle.
Kayaking on the Hiwassee River
I spend my evenings sitting on the porch looking out over our property. Watching the deer & turkey in the field and listening to the birds sing. We worked so hard for this place and you took such great care of it. How am I supposed to do this alone? I don’t want to do it alone but I can’t bear to leave it. The home we built together and the land you cleared & nurtured. Every tree, bush & flower we planted and the expansive garden you created. So full of memories and love. I’ll make that decision another day………it’s too soon, still too painful.
But I’ve also realized that when it gets too much, when I’m overwhelmed & lonely, God sends me a gift. A family member or friend calls or messages me, one of Hank’s grower friends that I only met once sent me a kind message, a photography friend tagged me in her IG post sharing that she was thinking of me. Those are beautiful gifts that I treasure. I’m not alone even when it feels like I am.
I found this photo from 2015. You would grumble & complain but always help me as I was just beginning in photography. I’d have a “plan” and need you to help me bring it to life. Most of those were total failures 🤪 but it was a learning curve and you were willing to help me learn. I miss you 💔
“Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path” Psalm 119:105
**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**
Prayers every night