Fear

I sit on the porch and look at your garden trying to summon the courage & strength to go do the work that needs to be done. I don’t want to do it but yet I do. I don’t have the passion or desire to grow like you did. You did it to the extreme……growing giant pumpkins, watermelons & gourds. I enjoyed being on the sidelines and taking photographs of you as you pursued this hobby at 200%. Now I’m trying to keep alive what you planted before you died. One last gift to you. But it’s SO hard.

I’m in over my head and I know it. The pumpkins, bushel gourd & tomatoes are covered in weeds, I’m sorry. I’m trying to maintain the watermelons & long gourds but I’m so scared I’m going to fail you and that breaks my heart. Tears are streaming down my face……..I don’t want to be in this position. I’m angry, hurt, sad, numb, heartbroken. All the feelings!! You left me! How could you do that? I know you didn’t want to but I’m still angry. And that makes me feel guilty. Oh, the feelings tumble over me so fast and hard sometimes I can’t breathe.

My devotional the other morning read: “Bring Me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn’t have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin. Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn’t there. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.” excerpt from “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young

I want to be Jonah and run from the path God has put before me. I’ll get swallowed by a whale and just stay there. But I know I won’t do that. I will walk this path, stumbling at times, crying out to God to help me. Bowing my head as the pain & tears overwhelm me. But Jesus is walking with me and He will never leave me. “I cried out to You Jesus and You were there faithfully!” excerpt from “Faithfully” by Toby Mac

“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2

They’re going to honor you at the State Fair of VA this year. It will be so hard to be there without you but I won’t miss it. You’d laugh & decline the honor in public but I know you’d love it ❤️. The growing community were our extended family. You talked to them often, sometimes daily. We took vacations together and they have been so supportive to me. You were quick to share support & tips and also seek them out as needed. You held nothing back and wanted all the growers to succeed. They know that and will recognize & honor your heart.

Davis is coming out to help me tomorrow in your patch. I hate to impose as he has so much on his plate already but also know that he wants to help. I know I’m missing something and I desperately want to take a watermelon to the State Fair for you. Please God, let one live until September 🙏

**I share these posts not looking for sympathy or pity. Though I gratefully accept all prayers as I navigate this new path. There are so many in this world that are suffering and we all need prayer. I truly appreciate all the love & support I have received since Hank died. But sometimes my head is swimming with thoughts that I can’t think straight. If I don’t get them “out” I feel I’ll drown. Writing it down helps me to make a little sense of what I’m thinking & feeling and, God willing, someone will find comfort in my words as I have found comfort and a little peace in writing them**