Webster’s definition of Lonely is “alone; solitary; standing apart from others of its kind; isolated; unhappy at being alone; longing for friends, company”
For the first time in my life I’m alone. My parent’s have passed away, my spouse of 40 years died 40 days ago, our children are grown with families of their own. It’s just me now, and how ironic it’s been 40 days alone after 40 years of marriage. I feel like a boat floating without an anchor.
I feel the need to get my thoughts out of my head as I can’t think straight some days. I’m not a writer so bear with me. I’m a photographer, at least I try to be. I express myself through photos but I haven’t the heart yet to pick up my camera. I want the healing I think the camera will bring me, but I’m scared. I don’t want to pick up where I left off. I don’t want it to seem like it’s ok, because it’s not. I’m struggling to figure out what to do and how to get through each day.
I’m so grateful for all the family & friends that have visited me or met me for lunch. Helped me with chores that I’m learning for the first time. Checked in with me to see how I’m doing. I love you all so please know that. This is just so hard and some days I don’t know what to do.
I stay busy through the day but the evenings bring me to tears. I look for him in the garden as he worked there till dark. I love the home we built together 25 years ago but now it’s too quiet and too big. The memories are everywhere, wonderful but painful. I want to walk away but know I can’t.
Grief is a wave that can gently rock you or knock you down and tumble you to oblivion. Or a fog that won’t quite clear. I’m in that fog most days and then on the worst days the wave rolls me.
But yet, I know Jesus is walking with me. He’s holding my hand and won’t let me go. It’s still hard and painful but He’s here with me. Thank you Jesus!
My aunt gave me a devotional book, “Jesus Calling” which I’ve been reading every morning. A few days ago there was a sentence that brought me peace, “Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts”. I’m trying Lord, I’m trying.
My dearest Sharon, I can’t even imagine the grief you must feel. I only had the privilege to meet Hank a few times at reunions. Each time I walked away with the warmest feeling in my heart, a feeling that he has a really good soul. That your life is probably never boring and full of life and laughter. You my cousin are an amazing woman, a woman of faith and purpose. You and Hank built a wonderful life and family, and now you have been charged with carrying on. Ensuring those beautiful children always know who their grandfather was and the love of family, and the land that he had. As unbelievably hard it is now, one day your loneliness will be replaced with love, laughter, amazing memories, and an abundance of thankfulness to God for giving you your soulmate, even if just for a little while. I pray God’s grace, peace and strength fill you each and every day. For now I will cry with you, and always lift you up in love and prayer. I love you cousin, keep writing and keep on sharing your love through pictures. The Hank I met would be happy that you are picking up your camera.❤️
Darlene, He was full of life & laughter!! I don’t want to be the one charged with carrying on but that is the road God has laid before me. And it’s the road I’ll walk……a little begrudgingly some days, but I’ll do the best I can. I love you ❤️
Sharon,
Thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts. Your writing is a beautiful picture.
Much love and prayers,
Katherine
❤️ Love you ❤️
Sharon it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you but I have thought of you often since hearing of Hanks passing. It’s been 6 months today that my husband passed. And yes there are days when I think what the heck am I doing? There are days that I feel like no problem I can handle this. Each day brings a little more of a routine but still not the routine we had. Each person grieves in their own way. You do whatever you need to do to help you thru the process. If you ever feel like reaching out I’m still in the same place. Hugs to you.
Mary, thank you for your kind words. You are a few steps in front of me on this road…..but not many as it’s still a new journey for you as well. We will both get through it, one day at a time. I’m thinking and praying for you!!
Sharon, our friendship came about because of our love of photography and we’ve only met once for a photo walk. But I know we are sisters in Christ and my heart was so heavy when I found out about Hank’s sudden passing. I often struggle with knowing what to say to comfort and encourage when someone is going through storms of life…but I’m so thankful that you have Jesus and he is with you always. I’m reassured how often I see widows and orphans mentioned in the Bible and how dear they are to our God. I pray you feel his comfort and that you know how your tears are precious to him. I believe you will help others in your sharing how hard it is in this new chapter of your life.
Sherri, I’ll take those prayers!! We are sisters in Christ and without Him I wouldn’t survive this. He is good, all the time, even when it doesn’t feel good to us.
Sharon
Your writing is beautiful, raw, & heartfelt. Sending prayers & love to you my friend. Stay in the word. God is with you.
Love Eve & Al Bonner 💔
Thank you Eve ❤️
I have sat where you are sitting and i understand your loss, the breathlessness some moments can bring. It sucks. But daily
You have to try to remember to trust God while arguing with him for destroying your perfect plans. It is hard, but you are not alone and the path becomes less lonely in time. I pray for you daily; it is a hard path to be on. Keep trusting God.
”Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve, it’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe. That’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in it’s own time for everyone; In it’s own way. So the best we can do, best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief, is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it, when it comes, and let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.”
Thank you Cheryl. That quote is perfect, thank you for sharing it with me.